Where there is a will, there is a way

He came to see me with Apple Pie in hand, he re-dressed my bed while I snapped shots of his beautiful body, its so hard to sleep when we're together. We went a little further his time, I let him go down on me and I got my hands around his beautiful big cock. Later we had a shower, we were in there for ages. I laughed and cheekily said. "hey, enjoy Thailand" being sarcastic while he fingered me. This morning I gave him head, so in love with his gorgeous member and he gave me more orgasms. Its hard to abstain when we match eachother sexually. He shows signs of domination which I actually like. I guess I like being Dominant outside of the bedroom but I love being taken in the bedroom.

I want to get really toned and trim, to match him. He is going to be so toned and tanned when he gets back from Thailand. I want to match him. He's a Virgo, they like perfection. I can understand that.

I had moments where I worried that getting so sexual with him would remove the attraction to me, but we talked about it and its all good.

We agreed that if what we have is strong enough, itll still be there when he gets back. Who knows what will happen while he's away. I know I prob wont stay faithful, I mean, we're not official and its stupid to make it official while he's away. I mean I kissed another guy on the weekend, same as it happened with G, I let my ex go down on me in the disabled toilet of the bar G and I were at, but we'd just met, nothing was set in stone and I can never deny the expert tongue of my ex haha.

Im a highly sexual being.

C is amazing. I drove him home this morning, super late for his work, he made me coffee and fed me warmed up pizza and a banana while his dog cuddled me, then picked me a rose that was growing out front before heading off to work looking sexy in his Tradie boots and board shorts.

I am supremely happy and I dont know what its going to be like not having him here for six weeks, but I'll cope because when he gets back, the sex is going to be thru the roof. I cant wait to get his delicious member inside me. Its such a beautiful size and texture. I cant even get it all in my mouth no matter how hard I try to deep throat.

Im meeting all his friends tonight. Im pretty nervous about it. I dont know what they know about me, or what they think of me. Im not sure how affectionate he will be with me in front of them. I dont want to feel awkward. Some of them know Im a stripper and that always puts you at a disadvantage when meeting the friends or family. Sometimes they think Im just using the guy.

I love how he strokes the back of my neck, even when Im driving. His big strong hands make me feel delicate and feminine.

He saw me in the morning without make up and didnt run. Its a big thing for him that his girl not wear make up and its a big thing for me that I dont be seen with bare skin thanks to the acne scars and uneven skin tone. I like to at least have tinted moisturiser and mascara on.

This ones a keeper. I just keep thanking the Universe for him, hoping that he will come back to me and stay.

He makes me want to be better too. To find something to do that I can be proud of.

Ive got six weeks to get tanned and toned and sort out a better job.

I was reading a tattoo magazine at his house and there was an article about a guy who has a gallery in California where he showcases artwork by tattooists as well as tattoo inspired clothing and arty books. Now that's something I would love to do. Be a buyer of artwork from tattooists and sell it to rich people. Travel around meeting artists and building a collection and promoting it to buyers, I could be tattooed and my own boss - what a great idea!

How to get started is the question however.

Ask and you will receive

For the longest time, I have been asking Gaia/The Universe for a good man, a beautiful man, a loving man, a funny man, a hard working man and I have received.

Tall, 5yrs younger, strong, beautiful, piercing blue eyes, softest skin, affectionate, funny, hard working, plays the drums, is a tradesman, wants to be a police man, rides motorbikes, loves his dog, loves to cook, trains in mauy tai, thinks im awesome and badass and falls deeper for me with each big sigh.

Ive known him just shy of a week and we are smitten. Last night he took me for a ride on his bike, we stopped at the beach and watched the lightning on the horizon. He told me he's finally met someone who makes him want to be better.

He's leaving for Thailand on Friday, should be back for Christmas. Im strangely calm about the whole thing. I think either I want to believe we are meant to be so bad that I just know he will come back to me. He says Im the first person he's seeing when he gets back.

He stayed over last night and its delicious enjoying eachother without taking off our underwear. I kissed and licked him all around his cock while still in his boxers and it was so much more fun than giving him an actual blow job. So close and yet so far.

I think I may just let him go down on me and give me an orgasm before he leaves. He keeps telling me how badly he wants to.

The beautiful thing about him is he puts me first without thinking. Whatever I want, its mine. He tells me how he's trying to figure out what I want from him. I said there's nothing I dont want from him, so far, so good.

Im in this happy haze of enjoying being loved, kissed, cuddled, stroked and hugged exactly the way Ive been longing for. He strokes my hair and stares into my eyes. He isnt afraid to love me. Im so not used to someone being so free to love. Most guys always hold back.

He's still holding back. He says he's worried he's falling for me, that he's trying to take it as slow as possible and I tell him how sexy that is, that he respects himself like that, to take it one step at a time, to guard his heart, he wants to be sure before he decides and I like that.

He's dependable and dedicated and oh so passionate. He's a Virgo so he has this cool exterior but when you flick the switch he's crazy passionate.

We have so much in common except I dont like Megadeth haha.

When I met him, I was tingling all over and it felt like I fell instantly without having a choice in the matter. He says it was the same for him. This has happened to me before, the first time I fell in love, the tingling and the feeling like The Universe is celebrating.

But Im also guarding myself. I know he has to go to Thailand and we will see what happens when he gets back.

Its so beautiful watching him fall for me. He gives these big sighs and with each one he falls deeper. I cant wait till he's properly mine.

Re-evaluating my goals

I find I need to sit down and make a list of what I want next as I go along in life.

Now that I have a car and my own apartment on the beach with wireless broadband and a pole, Ive achieved quite a lot of what Ive wanted for a long time. Now, I want to get a surf board and a good camera and start taking photos. On the other hand, I want to continue to pay off my UK debts and in fact close my accounts there, in effect cutting my ties with that country and cementing my faith that I will continue to stay in Australia by hook or by crook.

Ive decided to begin my studies in July now instead of February which has taken the pressure off me. Mom is coming to visit at the end of January which will be grand and I am saving up to take time off to spend with her and drive her around this beautiful place. A good friend is coming to stay in January also which will be fun. So there will be four women in my home for a while!

Summer is setting in and its wonderful to be back in flip flops and vests and my favourite denim mini skirt.

Ive only had a pole in my place a week and already Im getting much better. I had a great practice session today and I can feel my body getting stronger every time. Monday is our last beginners class and then its onto Intermediate.

I forgot to take my anti-depressant yesterday and ended up having an anxiety attack at work last night and leaving very early. Luckily I bumped into a 19yr old boy Ive had my eye on as I was leaving and so I took him home with me. He is incredibly beautiful and it was wonderful to kiss him and have his beautiful big hands on me lie I had been imagining. You see, I always get what I want :)

I didnt go into work tonight. So I only made $800 this week. Lowest earning week in a month. Last month I made close to 10 grand. I am so happy with my life tho, I am so blessed to live the life I live, I just long for a partner.

I hate sleeping alone. Im tired of always being in control. I miss being touched and kissed and made love to and cared for. I miss being close to someone who gets me and feels lucky to be with me. I hope I find love this summer.

I want to find out where the surfers hang out, the ones that arent into getting drunk and making a noise. The ones who play acoustic guitar, read books on flat days and love sleeping.

I still feel that Im not where I need to be. This isnt my home. I dont know where it is, but I know what it feels like, my minds eye knows what it looks like. Its quirky and unconventional, like a renovated garage, furnished with stuffed bookshelves, a cat sleeping on an unmade bed with surfboards and bicycles propped up on the walls outside.

Sometimes I dream about taking black and white portrait photos of beautiful, unique and interesting people I take for exhibitions to pass the time.

Ive come a long way baby

Well, this has now become the place I write things I cant write anywhere else because Ive made this blog private.

I dont remember the last time I made an entry but a lot has happened.

This year in fact has been quite a whirlwind. Ive accomplished a lot of goals and acquired things I didnt know I wanted or would ever have.

I went from being a backpacker to earning $50K in 9 months, renting a swanky city apartment, visiting Bali and flying to the UK to surprise my mom for her birthday, paying off the UK taxman and my credit cards, buying a car, taking pole dance lessons and now renting my very own place for the first time in my life. And I went through 2 months of depression which has now put me on Lexapro and Valium to get back on track.

Ive acquired a new Macbook Pro as a gift and decided to apply to study a Diploma of Screen at the local TAFE college. I also want to study aerial art (silk trapeze and aerial ring/lyra) and be able to do advanced pole dancing so that maybe I can compete next year.

Next I want to buy a surf board and a good camera so I can get back into surfing and filming things.

Little steps my girls tell me when I stress. I still want more tattoos and to travel, altho Im so busy making a life for myself here tavelling has fallen down the list a bit.

I cant wait for summer to come again. I cant wait to have reached all my goals so I can be free to travel and use the money for tattoos instead.

I still need to buy a surfboard, digital camera and video camera, get my car serviced and new tires, get RAC cover, pay off my UK credit cards and overdraft, buy a pole so I can practice at home.

Its great to look thru last year's notebook to see what my goals were and what Ive achieved and what I still need to do like swim with dolphins and take snorkelling pics, painting classes and go kayaking.

I must remember that ships come in on calm waters and that I always get what I want.

Sometimes I wish I was an artist.

A painter with a bright studio full of paints and canvases with a sparse bed in the corner where I make love to passionate boys who love deep conversations over red wine and old records, who read me passages from books and make me little tokens of adoration. A studio where I can bring back beautiful people to photograph and sometimes make love to. With an attic view of the ocean and a balcony or rooftop where I tend my vegetables and herbs. My cat sleeps lazily between the shelves of books I keep and fairy lights hang haphazardly from walls and windows. I get about town on my old bicycle and enjoy hanging out at artist's dives where jazz and obscure trip hop is played and the fashions of the youth inspire me.

Of Men and Money

My kinda guy

Had a good chat with my housemate last night, she and I are much alike. Both sensitive bohemian types from artistic families.

Right now, I am not interested in men, I am around the worst kind too much due to being a stripper and they just put me off. I went out with the girls on Sunday and again, drunk idiots, I felt far more at home and at ease at the gay club we went to later in the evening.

On the other hand, I would love a real love again. A man that adores me, that is artistic, reads books, is into quirky movies and does something creative. A tattoo artist would be win. And my housemate pointed this out to me. She said I need someone who is an artist because they think and they are passionate and can stimulate me and not be boring like most of the men I meet.

I dont like being around people. They have no brains. No one thinks for themselves, they have nothing to say, all their opinions they got from the papers, magazines and tv. Bored now.

Im not sure how I am to meet this guy. My housemate reckons I need to start going to tattoo events and such. I know the guy for me, I just havent met him yet. He's someone I can lie around with and have a laugh with, giggle, cuddle, be artistic and open minded and have big discussions and passionate sex and good sleeps entangled in eachother.

I like skinny guys, skinny but toned, like skaters and surfers. I like unconventional guys, I love anything that differentiates from the norm. But I dont get out, I dont meet people.

I need to go to art school. Some of the girls are encouraging me to audition for WAPA - Western Australia school of Performing Arts. Ive never had any formal training, never taken and acting class, cant sing and my dancing is spontaneous. But I would give anything to go to Performing Arts school. Id love to learn to sing and try my hand at acting and do dance classes all day. My body is built to be a dancer.

Ive become much stronger, I can do better pole tricks with my added upper body strength but I want to take proper classes so learn more tricks and become stronger and more confident. Ive been thinking about doing a feature show at the club, putting some music together, thinking of a costume, but I want to know more pole tricks to fill up the 12min show.

I still want to do my burlesque show to Eva Cassidy's Wade in the Water.

An amazing female tattoo artist is doing a custom piece for me to have tattooed when I go over to Melbourne. I cant wait to get more work done. I have so much planned.

These are this years goals: More tattoos, more travel, debt free and get my mom immigrated.

One of the girls I work with has a brother who is up for marrying me so I can stay here. Im still trying to figure out what I want to study. Id love to get into WAPA but Im not sure they take on 30yr old students. Need to find an acting course to go on to get confident.

I need so much money for all these things, to pay off debts, pay for tattoos, go travelling, support my mom and yet Im getting burned out by my job. Stripping is very draining. It makes me wish I had a regular job so I can work less nights. Like a part time job in a bookstore, that would be rad. But I dont think I could ever work for someone in a regular job again. Its been too long. Im used to doing whatever I like, whenever I like.

Im considering entering a fitness model comp in Oct so trying to drop my body fat %. Eating super healthy altho I do need to discipline myself more. I can be so lazy. I didnt go to the gym all week except for today. But it will be a great thing to work towards, just to say Ive done it.

Anyway, I feel like I have a lot on my mind, but really its being jaded with work and wanting a good man in my life and something more tangible. I feel like Im not earning money fast enough but Im making $1500 to $2000 a week. I just want to travel more and get more tattoos and not have to worry about fucking debts and know that my mom isnt struggling and be in love and create and make a difference.

Daddy Issues

june is proving to be an emotional rollercoaster and its all to do with various men, go figure.

dealing with my ex not being able to deal with me in person.
dealing with seeing J again and worrying id ruined his life.
fucking a random guy without a condom and worrying about that.
coming back to aus and having to fight for myself so he will be there for me.

its hard being a strong, tough woman in charge of her life without a guy there to hold you in his arms and tell you everything is gonna be alright.

I have some serious daddy issues. Dad made me feel like shit one minute and likes gods gifts the next. And now I do it to myself and I still dont trust anyone Im with that they wont turn around and hate me the next minute, Im always waiting for that to happen so wen you dont call wen you say you will, I panic.

How do I deal with this?

Travelling in Australia has made me realise I absolutely hate being alone. I mean I love spending time on my own, but I need to know there are people there who like me when I need them.

I miss being loved and loving someone. I miss being in love. Its the only surest thing in the world, when youre in love, its this all encompassing knowing that this is the exact truth, its the only time you experience real truth.

I am so homesick here. I have a few friends but they all have their own lives. Boyfriends, careers, etc. I dont feel particularly close to anyone, like theyd be there for me at 3 in the morning.

I just want a man who is man enough to be with me. He can love me even tho Im crazy, who can take it all in his stride and love me anyway, who can stand by me, support me, encourage me, love me, know me, honour me and feel like the luckiest man alive to be with me.

It feels like its too much to ask.

I feel like I cant be a stripper and find a love like that. I hate stripping, I hate how it makes me feel, like Im subject to men. I know I have the power, thats why strip clubs exist and men pay to go in them, but ultimatelty its down to him parting with his money and if I dont feel right inside, I dont make money.

And right now Im torn apart inside.

I set up all these ways for me to be someone, still harping after that definite feeling growing up that I was meant to be somebody great and yet Im dogged by this escapist ball and chain. This feeling that never leaves that I just want to run away to an island and live off the land with a cat and a bicycle and a surfboard. And a true love.

i think the less you have, the happier you are.

I think I know what I want but Im still trying to make someone of myself.

I think I should learn Permaculture and go to third world countries and teach people how to be self sufficient but Im scared Im not able to be that responsible.

Maybe Im attracting these guys because Im not being who I truly am. Maybe I'll meet him when I finally let go of everything and just be.

The make up, the hair dye, the straighteners, the clothes, the waxes and pedicures, it doesnt mean anything. Its just a cover up.

Beauty. Truth. Freedom. Love. Thats all that matters.